Laid Out and Candle Lit Page 6

  Tizzy smiled. “Uh . . . no. Did a moon collide with something and it’s gonna rain men?”

  “Well, if that’s gonna be your attitude, I won’t tell you,” Rayann snapped.

  Tizzy lowered her shoulders and apologized. “I’m sorry. Tell me. What did it say?”

  Rayann smiled cheerfully at her. “Love is looking for you, but you’ve got to be open to it.”

  Tizzy twisted her mouth around. “That’s it? No clues as to how love’s gonna look? No tall, dark, and handsome? No white horse?” Tizzy slumped. “Crap, Rayann. It could be talking about a stray dog looking for a home.”

  “It’s not talking about a dog,” she said, clearly disgusted. “It also said your best chance is with an Aries.”

  “Okay, Aries. I’ll keep an eye out.”

  Rayann spun around toward the kitchen. “What recipe are you working on, Sugarpie? The aroma is yummy.”

  “I’m still trying to get the flavor exactly right for the Chocolate Coconut Pecan Pie. I’ve got three of ‘em cooling. Thought we could give ’em a taste test. Y’all sit down. I’ll bring out some samples.”

  Sugarpie disappeared into the kitchen, and quickly returned with a tray full of pie and placed the three samples in front of them. “This one is made with Almond extract. Number two is with Vanilla and the last one is with both extracts and of course they all have my secret ingredient.” She explained.

  Tizzy and Rayann took a bite, closed their eyes, moved the pie around in their mouths to cover every taste bud, then swallowed. Tizzy smacked her lips. “Delicious, but I don’t want to judge until I’ve tried them all. Let us have some water to cleanse our palates.” She and Rayann sloshed the water around as if tasting fine wine and moved to the next bite.

  Rayann smiled. “This one is yummy, too, but I’m still not sure.”

  Moving to number three, Rayann sat up straight, placed her hand flat against her chest, closed her eyes and gasped. “Oh my Lord. I may have an orgasm.”

  Pattiecake and Sugarpie leaned forward laughing. “Okay, looks like we have a winner,” Sugarpie said. “Tizzy, what do you think?”

  Tizzy raised her hands and stammered. “It’s wonderful. Delicious. It is orgasmic. Maybe we should call it Orgasm Pie!”

  Pattiecake and Sugarpie bent over laughing, holding onto each other. “I’m not sure we could get away with that,” Pattiecake said. “We’re already pushing the envelope with the Better than Sex Cupcakes.”

  Rayann nodded. “You’re right. That might be too much. I think we should put it on the menu as Chocolate Coconut Pecan Pie and describe it as so good it’ll make you come . . . back for more!”

  Sugarpie tried to straighten up and crossed her legs. “Lor-dee. I may pee my pants.”

  Once the moment passed and things settled down, Rayann pointed to the front door. “I read the funeral notice for Mr. Ledbetter listing two services. What’s that about? Do they think it’s gonna take two funerals to preach him into heaven?”

  Pattiecake shook her head. “Poor Billy Jack. You know his family is split. One half doesn’t speak to the other half, so they’re having a service for both halves, to avoid another funeral in the family, if you know what I mean. They even had two visitations.” She gave a whispered laugh. “I heard he’s being buried in a new pair of overalls with a package of chewing tobacco in one pocket and a pint of whiskey in the other. Oh, by the way, Tizzy. I want you to run a couple of cakes up to the church. They’re gonna feed the family afterwards.”

  Sugarpie nodded, “Pattiecake and I are going to both services. It’ll be worth the trip to see those two sons of his, Buttcut and Booger. At the last funeral those boys attended, they brought a cooler of beer. The first service is at ten and the second one at two. We think you girls can handle things for an hour each time. If not, just lock up and put a note on the door,” she said, “And if y’all don’t mind, would you deliver some muffins out at the Philpot place? Frank died last night. We’d like for them to have some baked goods for breakfast in the morning.”

  Pattiecake twisted her face into a frown. “This may be a big funeral week. First, Billy Jack Ledbetter, now Frank Philpot, and I heard Melba Jane Treadwell is circling the drain.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  They swung by Tizzy’s, picked up Gracie, and headed out toward the Philpot’s place with four dozen muffins. Frank Philpot’s family lived out in the boonies down a dirt road about six miles out of town. When they turned into the drive, the sun had set and stars were beginning to appear in the night sky. With no help from streetlights, evening in the country came earlier and seemed darker than in town.

  Rayann unbuckled, opened her car door, and quickly closed it. “Do you smell that?” she asked.

  “Yeah, it’s a skunk,” Tizzy said.

  Rayann’s eyes got big and she fidgeted in her seat. “I don’t like skunks. I’m afraid of skunks. I’m more afraid of skunks than I am of vampires.”

  Tizzy tilted her head and rolled her eyes. “That’s logical, since skunks are real and vampires aren’t.”

  “You don’t understand.” Rayann frowned, her eyes wide, her lips thinned into a tight line. “If vampires were real, I’d still be more afraid of skunks.” Rayann squeezed her eyes shut. “Vampires can turn you and you’ll live forever and be young forever. Skunks, on the other hand can make you stink, bite you and give you rabies. And besides, from what I hear, vampire sex is off the charts.”

  From the back seat, Gracie chanted. “Bampire six, Bampire six.”

  They both laughed. “Yes, Gracie. That’s what your momma needs. A good dose of bampire six.”

  Tizzy poked at her arm. “Hush up, Rayann.”

  “It’s the truth, Tizzy. You need some. You need some bad. You’re cranky. You’re even crankier now I’m getting some and you’re not.”

  “Okay, I tell you what,” Tizzy said. “If a bampire shows up, I’ll have six with him. Now, can we just take the muffins in?”

  “No, I don’t want to get out of the car. A skunk is somewhere close. What if it’s rabid? What if it bites us? We’d have to get those awful shots. I don’t like shots. I‘m afraid of needles,” she said, pleading her case.

  Tizzy did another eye roll. “Let me get this straight. You wouldn’t mind a vampire sinking his long sharp fangs deep into your neck and sucking out all your blood, but you’re afraid a skunk might bite you? This is only my opinion, but I think you can outrun a skunk. I don’t think they move real fast.”

  Rayann sighed and conceded. “Okay. You’re right, but leave your lights on. They hate light.” She took a deep breath and opened her door.

  Tizzy slung her purse over her shoulder, left the car lights on and stepped to the back of the van. They each picked up two boxes, walked to the front door and knocked. There were lights on, but no sound was coming from inside. No music. No television. No conversation.

  Rayann shook her head. “I don’t think anybody’s home.”

  “They have a screened-in back porch; if the screen is open, we can leave the boxes inside and a note on the front door,” Tizzy said.

  They walked around to the back, found the screen open, and placed the muffins on a small table inside. Returning to the front of the house, Tizzy searched in her purse for a pen and paper. They turned the corner and stopped in their tracks at the sight of two glowing eyes staring up at them.

  Rayann sucked in a deep breath, moved her body behind Tizzy’s and whispered. “Oh my God! It’s a skunk.”

  “Don’t move,” Tizzy said calmly. “When he sees we’re no threat to him, he’ll leave.” The skunk gave quick little nods, sniffing the air, and twitched his tail.

  Rayann began to pray. “Oh Holy Mother of God . . . The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. . . Oh sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus. . . Jesus, Mary and Joseph. . . Jesus, Jesus, bo besus, bonana fanna, fo fesus, fee fy mo mesus, Jee-ee-sus. Oh my God! He’s gonna bite us! He’s gonna give us rabies!” She screamed as she jumped on Tizzy’s back.

  They
spun around. Tizzy’s purse catapulted into the air and the contents exploded and rained down. Tizzie fought to dislodge Rayann from her back, catch the purse, and keep herself upright; she lurched and stumbled forward with Rayann riding her all the way to the ground.

  The skunk turned, lifted his tail and sprayed, hitting them dead center. They both screamed, Rayann jumped to her feet, pulled Tizzy up by her shirt, ran for the car, jerked the doors open, and flung their bodies inside. They stared at each other in shock and disbelief, then at the skunk as he skittered away.

  Rayann started to cry. “I told you there was a skunk! Oh my God! We stink like a skunk! We’ll never get this odor off. I think I may throw up,” Rayann said, beginning to gag.

  “No. No. Don’t throw up in my car! Take some deep breaths!” Tizzy yelled.

  “Momma, I think somebody tooted,” Gracie said, holding her nose.

  “Hurry, start the car,” Rayann whined.

  Tizzy rested her head on the steering wheel and stared out at her purse spilled on the lawn. A large mangy black dog appeared out of nowhere, lay down and started to chew on her wallet.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice mixed with cynicism and disgust. “I can’t start the car because some insane person blaspheming the name of Jesus jumped on my back and caused me to lose my car keys. Shit, Rayann!”

  From the back seat, Gracie repeated, “Shit, Rayann.”

  Tizzy looked back at Gracie. “I’m sorry, baby. Momma shouldn’t have said that word. That wasn’t nice.”

  “This is not my fault, Tizzy! I told you I was afraid of skunks. I gave you fair warning. You should have known I’d go a little crazy if I saw one,” Rayann said, reaching into her purse, fumbling to find her cell phone.

  She flipped it open, punched in the number, and started a hysterical rant. “Hello, Dwayne? Tizzy and I have been attacked by a skunk. We can’t get her keys because a dog is chewing on her wallet! I need you to come get us! We’re out at the Philpot place. Bring your gun and at least two bullets.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  Ridge couldn’t help but notice the Mustang sitting in Tizzy’s drive when he angled behind the wheel of his car. He sat for a minute wondering who such an early morning visitor could be. Then again, maybe it wasn’t a visitor. Maybe the car belonged to someone who’d stayed over.

  His chest tightened and he realized he had a serious grip on the steering wheel, his knuckles white and his biceps hard from the pressure. A gasp escaped his lips. Hell, was he jealous? He shook his head. What’s wrong with me? He knew the answer to the question, and even though he had no claim on her, the thought of another man in her life bothered him.

  He turned the engine and backed out of the drive, heading toward the station. Both cruisers plus the sheriff’s car were parked in the lot. Inside, he found Dan, Earl Dean, Bubba and Rita all laughing. “What’s so funny?” Ridge asked.

  “You haven’t heard?” Chief Ramsay asked. “Our local Lucy and Ethel had a run-in with a skunk last night.”

  Ridge narrowed his eyes and cocked his head sideways. “Lucy and Ethel, as in ‘I Love Lucy?’”

  Bubba wagged his head. “Yeah. I got the call last night around eight. Tizzy and Rayann were out at the Philpot place. They’d gone out there to deliver some muffins and got sprayed by a skunk.”

  “I guess that explains the strange car I saw parked at Tizzy’s this morning.” Ridge said.

  Dan nodded. “Yeah. I’m afraid she won’t be driving her car for a while. We took it to be fumigated. As a matter of fact, she may never be able to drive that car again.” They all broke into laughter.

  Rita laid down her powdered donut and wiped her mouth. “Those poor girls. They get into more messes than anybody. Y’all remember the time they went to deliver pies out to Mrs. Buckalew and got attacked by the rooster? He ran ’em up a tree and they didn’t get down until she came home and got the rooster penned up.”

  “Well, I think the skunk trumps the rooster,” Bubba said. “To add insult to injury, during the ordeal, Tizzy dropped her purse and lost her keys. A scary-looking dog showed up and started to chew on her purse, so they were stranded. But here’s the best part. We bought every can of tomato juice and tomato sauce in the county, because it’s supposed to remove the odor. They took baths in it, and now they’re kinda pink!

  Ridge smiled. “Are they working today?”

  “Oh yeah, they’re working.” Bubba said.

  Ridge‘s smiled widened. “I’ve got some interviews this morning, but I’ll be sure to stop off at Sweet Thangs later.”

  * * * * *

  All eight ladies met Ridge in the fellowship hall at the Methodist church, and their stories matched. Marlene arrived at the meeting promptly at seven p.m. and with only one order of business, the meeting adjourned by seven forty-five. They stated there was nothing unusual about Marlene’s behavior. She was in a hurry for the meeting to end, but she was always in a hurry. Each one also agreed that Marlene Weston had few friends, but no one came to mind who would have wanted to kill her.

  Fayrene Samuels, a blue-haired lady wearing a dress the same hue as her hair, and Bernice Watson, thin and frail, were last to leave. “You asked us about Tizzy and Marlene’s relationship,” Fayrene said. “I think Bernice will agree with me. Marlene treated Tizzy unfairly, especially the day of Boone’s funeral. Marlene lashed out at Tizzy, causing quite a scene. Poor little Tizzy was in such shock that she couldn’t even speak. We felt sorry for her. But in all fairness, Marlene was thirteen when Boone came along. Her mother’s pregnancy embarrassed her. You know how thirteen-year-old girls can be.”

  Ridge tried to keep a straight face while Bernice nodded and grunted agreement to every statement Fayrene made.

  “Especially a spoiled rich thirteen-year-old,” Fayrene continued. “Marlene loved Boone. She was like a little mother to him. And when their parents died so tragically in the plane crash, she actually took on the role of mother.” She nodded sadly.

  “Now, Tizzy on the other hand, even though she’s a little quirky, is the sweetest girl in the world. She has a kind heart. She helps out at the bank and volunteers at the clinic. You know she talks to the residents in the cemetery,” Bernice said, lowering her voice an octave.

  Ridge smiled. “So I’m told.”

  “Well, I believe she does,” Bernice said. “As a matter of fact, sometimes I ask her to deliver messages to my husband.”

  Fayrene rested her hands on her hips. “Well, no matter if she does or not. She’s still a sweet girl. Couldn’t hurt a fly.”

  Fayrene wrapped some cookies in a napkin and handed them to Ridge. “Take this home with you for later.”

  “Thank you,” he said. “Earlier, when I asked about Marlene and Carl’s relationship, you both rolled your eyes. You said they were happy, but do you believe they were?”

  Fayrene and Bernice took a glance at each other and Fayrene answered. “Well, they appeared to be. But given Marlene’s disposition, I doubt any man alive could have made her happy. Wouldn’t you say so, Bernice?”

  “I guess so.” She leaned in and cupped her mouth with her hand and whispered. “I don’t think she and Carl had sex anymore.”

  Fayrene jerked her head around. “Bernice! I cannot believe you are talking about s-e-x in the Lord’s house. What is wrong with you?”

  “Good grief, Fayrene. The Lord knows who is and who isn’t having sex, and if He didn’t want people doing it, He would’ve made it feel like a root canal.”

  Ridge struggled to keep his composure “What makes you think they weren’t?”

  “Well, my housekeeper is friends with their housekeeper, and mine told me.” Bernice glanced at the clock. “Wow! Look at the time. I’ve gotta go. Company’s coming to my house and I promised them some homemade spaghetti and I can’t find a can of tomato sauce in this town. I’ve got to go all the way to Tyler to get some.”

  Ridge smiled at the reference and thought, finally a piece of information about Marlene’s marria
ge with a possible bearing on the case. Then again, if every forty-year-old married person not having sex was murdered, the ground would be covered in bodies. But as a man, Ridge knew if Carl Weston wasn’t gettin’ any at home, he most likely was gettin’ it somewhere.

  * * * * *

  Ridge took a chair at the table with Bubba and Dan as Rayann sashayed over to take their order, her skin, a light shade of pink and her blonde hair at least three shades darker. “Damn, Rayann! You look like you’ve got cotton candy on your head,” Dan said.

  Rayann narrowed her eyes. “Hush up, Dan. I’m not in the mood for any more pink jokes.” She looked at Bubba with puppy-dog eyes and whined, “Do you think my hair looks like cotton candy?”

  Bubba took her hand and kissed it. “Baby, cotton candy is spun sugar. It melts on your tongue like magic. I love cotton candy,” he said and kissed her hand again.

  “Thank you, Dwayne,” she cooed.

  She left with the order and Dan smirked at Bubba. “Damn, you are so whipped, it’s pitiful.”

  “You think? Take my word, I’m not whipped. That, my man, is called foreplay. Later tonight, I can guarantee you, I’ll have cotton candy all over me.” He laughed.

  Tizzy delivered an order to the next table and Ridge motioned to her. “Too bad about your little mishap.”

  She cut him off short. “Don’t start with me, Cooper. Rayann and I have listened to every possible pink joke in the world. Gracie said I look like Pinky Dinky Doo. We’ve heard in the pink, tickled pink, pretty in pink, pink makes the boys wink, so I doubt you can come up with a new one.”